Republican Pervert Arrested

TITUSVILLE - Republican state lawmaker "Kneeling" Bob Allen, who was charged with offering to perform oral sex for $20 on an undercover male police officer vowed Thursday to defend himself in court and said he would not resign from office."I am filing a not guilty plea. I am vigorously going to fight this.'' State Rep. Bob Allen, a co-chair of Republican presidential candidate John McCain's campaign in Florida, said at a news conference, "I am not resigning my office because the people elected me and want me to do a good blowjob. I am going to do a good blowjob for them in finishing this term. I may not be the biggest cocksucker in the Florida State Legislature, but I want to be the best cocksucker.''


Allen called his arrest "an ugly and unpleasant situation that has been thrust on me and my family, like a big hairy penis.'' The lawmaker had sponsored a failed bill that would have tightened the state's prohibition on public sex. "I was just doing some research on how easy it is to give somebody a blowjob in a public place. I am not a faggot myself, but lots of my friends are cocksuckers." Allen choked up when he thanked his teabagger friends who had contacted him to offer their dildos and vibrators. Allen warned people not to jump to conclusions about what happened. "Just because I was arrested offering to give an undercover cop a blowjob doesn't mean that I would have done it. This was my first time. I am a virgin." Allen only spent a couple of hours in jail, so he is still a virgin for now and claims that he is saving himself for the right cop. "I prefer Highway Patrol. I fantasize about being pulled over by a Trooper and then being taken into the woods and forced to do things that would not be proper for a State Representative to talk about with the media. In case anyone wants to know, I am still cherry."


Allen said he could not offer any details about the arrest because of his legal strategy. "My legal strategy is to lie, mislead, and pretend this never happened. I am going to call on all my important political friends and see if the cop that arrested me can get a promotion in exchange for going on an extended vacation. Hopefully this case will be quietly dismissed in a few months." Asked if he could give a detailed statement, Blob said "If I actually tell the truth that would be stupid. Just because I got caught trying to give a cop a blowjob at a public park restroom doesn't mean that I am stupid." Allen says he is not a pervert. "It is not true. It is inaccurate and therefore, it's not guilty,'' Allen said of the case. Republican Party of Florida Chairman Jim Polemonkey said the matter would be addressed in a timely and appropriate matter. "While this is an extremely serious matter, the House of Representatives and the judiciary system have established a process to deal with situations of this nature. We Republicans are well-known hypocrites and lying scumbags. Our Republican Party is replete with degenerate perverts and Blob Allen is hardly a blip on our collective radar.''

Allen's arrest on Wednesday came days after a key Southern supporter of McCain opponent Rudy Giuliani, U.S. Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana, was identified as a client of a Washington, D.C., escort service."It just seems sad and tragic,'' Gov. Charlie Crist said Thursday when asked in Miami about Allen's arrest. Veteran's Memorial Park was under surveillance when Allen was seen coming in and out of a restroom three times, said police Lt. Todd Hutchinson. Allen, 48, then approached an undercover officer and was arrested after he reportedly said "Hey, can I suck your dick for $20? I will take out my dentures and gumm it for you." The Officer had a mild seizure and threw up after taking a good look at Blob Allen. Fortunately, the back-up units were able to conduct the arrest. Allen has been charged with solicitation for prostitution; which has a maximum penalty of one year in jail. Brevard County jail officials said Allen posted a $500 bond and offered to meet the young boys in Juvenile Hall to talk to them about good citizenship. While being transported to jail, Allen told WFTV Channel 9 that the situation was "a very big misunderstanding. I wanted to blow the guy for free. I never offered to pay him. He should be paying me. I am still a hot guy.'' Allen was elected to the Florida House in 2000.